She put a cigarette between her dry lips and glanced at the sky. Little did Sarah know that this cigarette would be her last, neither did she know that she would be dead in less than an hour. She flicked flicked it, spat on the curb, pulled out the gun hidden in her duffel bag, opened the heavy glass door and went inside the bank.
-Everybody on the ground, she screamed as she fired a couple of rounds to the ceiling.
All the customers in the bank dropped silently to the floor. In terror they lay there, watching the tall brunette walking over to the counter. The room was in complete silence except for the sound of her footsteps.
-Go grab as much cash as you can out of that vault of yours and put it in this bag, she said throwing the bag at the clerk standing by the counter.
-Sssssure sure just don’t shoot, ok? The clerk said with a voice so drained of courage that Sarah could barely hear him speak.
The clerk took the bag and walked over to the vault, opened the large steel door and went inside.
-Unmarked bills only, Sarah screamed to the clerk, don’t make me come in there and check on you.
While she waited for the money she looked around the bank, looked at the people laying completely still on the floor. Weird, she thought to herself. She spotted a child sobbing; a young boy laying next to what she assumed was his mother. She walked over to them and picked up the child, told him not to cry and that nothing was going to happen to him. Then she put him down and walked over to the window. No police yet, she noted as she saw the clerk coming back to the counter with the bag, now filled with bills. She walked over to him grabbed the bag and gave a short laugh upon seeing that he was now crying. She turned and started walking toward the glass door, again, the only sound in the building being that of her footsteps. As she got to the door she turned around and smiled. Sarah opened the door, went outside and started making her way across the road to her car. The people inside the bank, who had now moved over to the window, saw a large truck coming down the road. She never did.
Hi there! Nice text you've got here!
SvaraRaderaWhile I do think that it's a bit short, I like the fact that it's fast-paced and to the point. My absolute favourite detail is the beginning of the second sentece. I just can't help it, but the expression "Little did she know" attracts me xD
Now, I'm not saying that you must change the following, but I would not have minded if there had been a few more descriptions of Sarah, the people and the surroundings. I'm also quite stunned as to why there is no police or alarm, or why no one is doing anything - the only hostage that is actually reacting to what's happening is a crying child. That makes all the adults appear as if bank robbery is something they're accustomed to (and I hope that's not the case). The clerk's stuttering if, of course, also a reaction, but you could make more out of it.
Luckily, she's hit by the truck - I'm not saying it's good thing, but since nothing else goes wrong, it's good storywise. Nice work!
/Hannah
Good story, i liked the pacing. Interesting character. When she tells the child to stop crying, it gave the impression of she was a mother herself. The ending was fitting for this kind of story.
SvaraRaderaSweet!
SvaraRaderaI liked how you unconventionally made the bank-robber a woman, and also how you unceremoniously killed her.
In contrast to what Hannah wrote, I think that you actually described Sarah really well considering how short the text was. Her spitting on the curb, her hardcore attitude (towards the clerk mainly), and her robbing a bank says a lot about her personality, in my opinion, and it proposes a lot of "macho" characteristics. The part with the baby balances her masculinity out, showing that she has compassion, and, as Figgers wrote, has nurturing qualities like that of a mother. You also inconspicuously managed to mention that she was tall and a brunette. All of these descriptions were very well incorporated in the text, as were both of the first and second sentence.
However, I also think that a bit more detail about the bank and the people in it would raise the story up somewhat, making it more vivid.
/// Gulliver
Your story was short, but at the same time very rich. You manage to give me as the reader all the info I need to understand her and get to know her.
SvaraRaderaBut, (always a "but" :P)I would have liked to know more about the other characters in this story. Some of their thoughts perhaps?
Keep it up!
Best regards,
/Ann Nordlöf
It was short, but still a story with consistence. You could improve it with giving a bit more details about the surroundings and the people there, but I think it will make the story more slow instead.
SvaraRaderaIn the ending, you are leaving the story in the hands of the reader. You mention the truck coming, then you finish abrupt with "she never did". What really happen is up to the reader's imagination and most may think that it was the truck that killed her. I think instead that the truck prevented her to flee with the car and she later been shot by the police.
Good concise story.
A little short but the quick pace is good. Interesting story. I can imagine she rushes out of the bank, afraid to get caught, so she has no time to see the truck.
SvaraRadera